Spirit, I’m here. Again I’m here in brokenness and longing and I don’t know why. There isn’t a reason…just a stirring, a craving, an emptiness. The wind blows through the pine trees outside and I wish I could be part of the splendor of ordinary extraordinary beauty. Could I just be the color on the needles…something simple? Could I just be the color green, comforting and calm and alive? Maybe the earth scent of the branches…could I be the shine that glimmers off the backs of bristles? Could I be any of it? Maybe I’m thinking to lofty. Could I just be the soil supporting the rough trunk, nourishing and protective and trampled? Maybe that’s exactly what I am. Underfoot, forgotten, part of the big picture the way film is. Essential but lacking the glory of a print.
I know that isn’t true.
I know what I am. In this moment…I’m the admirer and a breath and a part but it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to experience all of it. I want to be tiny like a ladybug and squeeze between bark grooves and hover over plants with translucent wings barely drawing attention. Then when noticed, to bring some kind of pleasure to the beholder and the magical experience of unexpectedly finding a spotted beetle. I want to be magic. I want to not just the tree, but be in the tree…and be the snowflakes dripping down over the whole wintery scene…but then be under the snow, under the grass, in the very particles of earth. I want too much.
I cry to You. Who am I? “Who am I?” I scream in my head and there is nothing but silence for just a moment because the truth is, I know who I am. Sometimes, though…it just isn’t what I want to hear. It isn’t what I want to know.
Your voice penetrates my third eye, my crown grows heavy and light simultaneously and You say “Am I enough?”
Are you enough? If the dreams of my mind never come true…are You enough? If that yurt on a tropical paradise never becomes my reality…are You enough? I smell the hibiscus and my lungs fill with salty air. My eye releases a tear as my heart lets go of a dream… and I know that You can be more. Yes…You are. You’re enough. I can’t breathe without You.
My mind wanders to a studio and the nervousness of cuing downward dogs and touching faces and touching hearts and my desire to be all to everyone…and the shame when I’m not. You ask again “but am I enough?” It’s hard to let go of that vision of what I want to be. That expectation of “self” hangs on for just one more moment and then my grip releases and my chest expands in nervousness as I whisper “You’re enough.” I feel instant fear. Letting go of what I want others to see is hard for me. But You see everything. You know my intentions, my heart, my purity, my weaknesses. Where can I hide from Your Spirit?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in [a]hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall [b]fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness [c]shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You. ~ Psalm 139:8-12
You’ll find me in a studio…this much I know.
My mind shifts to a moment in a room , surrounded by imaginary friends…the ones I’ve dreamt about for years…the ones that want to know me and make time for me and crave my presence as I crave theirs. I want them so bad. I’ve always wanted it..that love…that acceptance…that belonging. Will I ever find it? Then You say “I’m right here. I’ve accepted you in all life forms, in all lives. I’ve always known you, wanted you…so much that I breathed into you the breath of life. Can’t I be enough?”
It’s hard to say “yes” to such perfect love. These desires…they’re so big, so much a part of me…they take up so much room in my soul that to let them go…for them to vacate…I wonder how empty it will feel. Spirit, you tell me to release my desires. You ask “if you have none of these things…the admiration and the friendships, long walks on seashores and hands full of fruit…can I be Your one desire? Can you let go of good opinions and wholesome dreams that are wrapped in narcism and give it all away… just to be close to Me? Just to let me breathe inside of you and for you? Just to let me gently massage your heart all the days of your life? Can your reflection be Me?”
Yes. Yes I can. Yes You are. Yes …You are my LOVE…Holy Holy Holy. You are oh so Holy and my eyes squint with just the thought of your light…just the thought of Your perfection. My heart sings and I’m full of visions and purpose and I feel it deep inside of me…this faultlessness in my imperfection… just as I am. I am the evergreens pushing through ground dense with snow. I’m the roots springing up with life…making my way towards your all encompassing goodness. You find the cracks of my heart and fill them with kindness. You look down at me and through me and fill me with such intoxicating love that my mind swims in the ocean of forever beauty…I swim towards You…I feel the warm water caress the backs of my thighs, my hair heavy with ocean. You are more then enough. You can be enough. I am everything and part of all with You as my compass. My soul is safe in this place of gratitude and Self love and I know that I can fly in my mind to a place that is Oh So Very High. A place that is Higher then I.
I choose You again. Over and Over I choose You.