I spend the day with thoughts of what more can I do…that’s me…out there, away from here to better myself… for them. That didn’t make a bit of sense. Let me start again.
Since the end of teacher training (a whopping 6 days) my mind has gone into the realm of “next.” I want to do more, I want to be more…at least I feel like I should. I finished this massive undertaking that took time and vulnerability and strength. Now it’s over. I kind of don’t want it to be. My body and brain are so use to being busy that I feel almost alone without classes and homework and practices.
Then, there’s this piece of my heart that slowly stirs…churning and twisting and rotating until my chest is vibrating and chills run up my spine and down my toes and energy shoots out of my crown and a voice tells me to take my time, maybe live in the NOW, maybe…just maybe, let it be for a moment. I kind of want to.
The truth is, I’m a mama. I’m a good mama. I have five beautiful light beings that just shared me for a full ten weeks. I’m not sure if now is the time to ask for more. Now may be the time for me to settle into what little bit of summer is left and soak up the cuddles and the baby skin that will be toddler skin all too soon. Now might be the time to send more love to my neglected roses and clean out those cupboards and create a bit of serenity where I am.
So I’m trying. I’m trying to forget about “all that I can be” and settle into who I am. I’ve spent the last two days doing things like chopping carrots and boiling noodles and dead heading daisies (in the most loving way a person can “dead head”). My yesterday found me on the floor of Naiya’s room, a giant stack of too small baby clothes near by, and a river of tears pouring down my face. It’s gone so fast. My evenings have included cocktails and documentaries about Angels, my mornings prism light and sunny gold curtains and hot coffee and nothing to study. It’s been okay.
I cracked open a book, just for pleasure and read exactly what my heart needed to hear. Paramahansa reminded me that I am light. I, little old me, Alyssa Spring from the house of Corley, am a ray of sun streaming through window panes, over plants, warming the air and turning dust into glitter. Then, I transform into the girl in the room, with soft rainbows bouncing off my head and the walls and I feel very very present. I feel the light in me.
Evening comes and a reflection catches my eye. I bend my head back and drink in the moon. I stare at it’s glowing beauty and my soul beams back and forth, up to the sky so far away and then back to my body…over and over and over again. I am that moon, that glowing love that magnifies and covers and mirrors and reflects all of creation. I am that moon. I am that light.
Being me doesn’t always feel enough. I want to do more almost all of the time. I want to feel more, make more, love more, be seen more and see more…I want to be heard but then I don’t know what I would say.
This my friends, is why I love Spirit so much. Because on a day when I wish I could do the 300 hour training or get a degree in nutrition or write a book or develop a workshop….I’m reminded that I already am everything and have everything. I am in training each and everyday, I feed my littles not only wholesome nutrition but also food for their souls – I’m here writing to you and someday, someday…maybe I will have the privilege of sitting in a room…eye to eye with people that want to learn from me and I from them…and it will be a beautiful time. I already know it.
Today though, I am simply light…each breath worshipping my Divine Mother, soaking up Spirit and feeling the small angels in my arms and those invisible around me. That is enough. That is more than enough.
“I have enough. I have everything I need. I am enough.”